


It’s not that bad is it?

by Coldste



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Sex, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Self-Harm, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27756970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coldste/pseuds/Coldste
Summary: Jade Thirlwall is unsure about her sexuality, she doesn’t know if she’s straight, bi or gay. She’s not attracted to guys hardly but she doesn’t want to admit she’s starting to take a liking to women. After visiting a bar she is kissed by an openly gay Leigh-Anne Pinnock. Jade doesn’t know what to make of it, to make matters worse Little Mix who are currently a trio will be auditioning girls so they can be come a foursome. Sadly for Jade she’ll have to get used to seeing Leigh-Anne. Jade’s battle though could take her to dark places as she battles her sexuality, she knows she has few choices. Jade starts to think maybe Little Mix and everyone else would be off without her, after all she doesn’t even know if she’s attracted to men or women
Relationships: Leigh-Anne Pinnock/Jade Thirlwall
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:  
> This story is COMPLETELY fictional, it no way represents the real life Little Mix this is a MADE UP story. Jade said in an interview, that fans can write what they want about them as long as it STAYS FICTIONAL. Which this story will be. It will also touch around sensitive subjects that’s why they’re tagged in advance, if you don’t like it then I’ll but a not on the chapter in advance.  
> I haven’t wrote in a while so the first chapter mightn’t be that great but in time I’ll get better.

Jade Thirlwall rolled her eyes as she sipped her vodka and coke. Twenty-five-year-old Jade sat in a modest little bar. She was turning plenty of heads as she wore a tight-fitting little black dress that hugged her slim shape and snakeskin knee-high boots. She rolled her eyes as one of her pop group’s songs “Love Me Like You (Bimbo Jones Remix)” roared over the speakers. Jade was part of a girl group trio called Little Mix. Jade had been clubbing with her two best buddies and fellow musicians, Perrie Edwards and Jesy Nelson. However, Jade had abandoned them to come and visit Rainbows, a peaceful little lesbian but ever so friendly LGBT bar tucked away in Soho. As soon as Jade walked in she received a nice welcome plenty of smiles from a wonderful team of bar staff. Although Jade felt out of place. They dressed casually the patrons were as Jade dressed more for a club. Jade was very vocal about her passion and support for drag artists and the LGBT community. She’d had a few drinks and chattered to two drag artists. Jade was blushing she looked at a beautiful woman. She looked similar in age. Jade wanted to curse as the women walked towards her. 

“Hey, gorgeous, can I get you a drink?” the woman beamed. 

“I’m okay thanks,” Jade smiled she indicted her half-full glass. Jade discreetly scanned the woman seated next to her, dressed in ripped jeans and a little white crop top and a black jacket with lovely long braids. 

“I’m Leigh-Anne,” Leigh-Anne smiled. “Not much action tonight, is there?” Leigh-Anne groaned. Leigh-Anne glanced around the bar. There were a couple of women dancing and a few at tables drinking. Out of everybody, it was Jade that had caught Leigh-Anne’s attention. She’d just left the lavatories when Jade had come in to the bar. Leigh-Anne at first thought she’d consumed a bit too much, as Jade was stunning. 

“I’m Jade,” Jade smiled. 

“As in Jade Thirlwall?” Leigh-Anne asked confidently. “Little Mix is one of my favourite girl groups, Jade is by far the best.” Leigh-Anne smiled, hoping that she was speaking to her favourite singer without making an idiot of herself. She thought this Jade was the spitting image of Jade from Little Mix, she even had the Geordie accent. 

Jade shook her head in a no motion. “No, my last name is Blackwell.” It was the first name Jade thought of since she’d recently been in a bookshop named that. Even though she was a big LGBT supporter Jade didn’t want anyone knowing she was here. It was one thing going to pride celebrations, but bars were a different story, specifically if the paparazzi saw her. Jade was so proud of those that came out about their sexuality. Sadly, the same couldn’t be repeated for herself. Jade was struggling to work out if she was bi or gay. She’d been having thoughts about other women, about what it would be like to sleep with them and have a romantic relationship with them. When she was getting changed for shows with Jesy and Perrie, she couldn’t help but watch them. She’d often observe them undress for longer than she should and routinely check them out. It was the same with when she had sex with guys, she felt nothing it was just dull and something that she no longer liked. Even if she passed a handsome guy in the street, she wouldn’t look at him out. If a gorgeous woman passed her Jade often found her eyes watching the woman. Jade just didn’t know if it was a phase or what. 

“Sorry, you just look and sound a lot like her, you’ve even got her back tattoo.” Leigh-Anne apologised. She glanced at the tattoo that ran down Jades back. 

“Yeh, I get mistaken for her a lot,” Jade laughed, wishing that Leigh-Anne would believe her. 

“She gave me the courage to be here, you know,” Leigh-Anne smiled. “I was super embarrassed about being gay, but she gave me the determination to come out, and just say Leigh-Anne Pinnock you are gay and have nothing to be ashamed about,” Leigh-Anne explained. She couldn’t help but openly eye Jade up and down and make the odd glance at her cleavage. Leigh-Anne told Jade that she was twenty-seven and from High-Wycombe. Leigh-Anne said she was a solo singer-songwriter at a local pub, and would often upload her songs online. Leigh-Anne wished to enter X-factor and win it just like Little Mix once did and maybe even perform with them one day. 

“That’s an incredible dream though if it doesn’t work out try modelling you’ve got fantastic looks.” Jade admitted. Jade thought that if Leigh-Anne was a decent enough singer, then she’d do it. Still, Jade made a mental note of what Leigh-Anne had said. Maybe she could look Leigh-Anne up online and put a word in for her if she was any good. 

“Oh, I freaking love this song come dance with me!” Leigh-Anne took hold of Jade’s hand and yanked her to the dance floor so they could dance to Rhianna’s Only Girl (In The World). 

Jade and Leigh-Anne danced through a few songs. Jade enjoyed letting her hair down and experiencing being able to dance without idiot guys annoying her. Jade was laughing her head off at Leigh-Anne’s terrible dancing, causing Leigh-Anne to laugh back. They both went back to the bar and sat awkwardly for a minute. Neither woman not knowing what to do or say. 

“So what brought you here?” Jade asked. She sipped another vodka and coke that Leigh-Anne had insisted on buying her. 

“Broke up with my girlfriend a few days back,” Leigh-Anne said almost without a care in the world. “What about you?” Leigh-Anne inquired.

“Aww, I’m sorry,” Jade cried. She hated hearing when anyone broke up. “Who me?” Jade smiled. 

Leigh-Anne laughed at Jade’s cute reply. “No the woman next to you,” Leah-Anne laughed. “Of course you cutie,” Leigh-Anne smiled. 

“Oh, a mate recommend it,” Jade replied. She had been looking for LGBT bars online. Jade figured coming to one might help decide her sexuality. “Anyone caught your eye yet?” Jade asked. 

“Well, one woman has,” Leigh-Anne replied. She shuffled closer to Jade and glanced at her light brown eyes. Leigh-Anne rubbed Jade’s leg and hand. Leigh-Anne leaned close to Jade and smiled. “There’s a taxi rank just around the corner, why don’t we head back to my place?” Leigh-Anne hissed. “Only I think your dress would look better on my bedroom floor.” Leigh-Anne winked. She placed a kiss on Jade’s wet lips but was startled when Jade immediately pulled back. 

“WOAH hold on there I’m straight!” Jade protested. Her heart was racing as she attempted to process what had just happened. Another woman had just kissed her. Yet it freaked her out, even though this is what she sort of wanted to try. This was like her first kiss all over again, only from a female. “You’re a stunning woman, Leigh-Anne, but I prefer guys!” Jade exclaimed. “I’m super sorry if I’ve given you the wrong signals.” Jade gasped. Jade felt Leigh-Anne pulling her hands away. 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Leigh-Anne cried she blushed at the awkwardness. “I thought since you’re in a lesbian bar you’d be interested in women?” Leigh-Anne blushed as she zipped her jacket. 

Jade sat embarrassed she watched Leigh-Anne grabbing her purse and running off. Jade saw that Leigh-Anne had dropped her Oyster Card. Jade followed, but lost sight of Leigh-Anne when she got to the street. Jade pulled her phone out of her handbag and looked at a group message. 

Jesy: Hey Jade, where da fuck you get to?🔍....

Perrie: She’s probably dropping her knickers for some hot guy Jes 😏🍆...

Jesy: That's if she's wearing any, to begin with 😂...

Perrie: LMFAO 😂🤣.....  
Jesy: Well, she needs to put a condom on it 🍆😂...

Ariana Grande: You British ladies are crazy at times enjoy your night😂... Especially you Jade😉...

Taylor Swift: WTF, if you ladies are drunk messaging again then I’m turning my phone off lol, 😂...

Jade: Sorry Tay and Ari, Jesy and Pez are drunk again😒...Oh FYI, I’m not with anybody!!...

Perrie: How insulting🤣...

Jesy: Yea we are not drunk, we have merely had a little too much to drink🥴... 

Perrie: There is an enormous difference you know Jade😂...

Ariana: You ladies are mad, I wish I was in London with you🥳...

Jade watched as the drunken conversation moved back and forth. She saw Leigh-Anne heading to the taxi rank. She was about to call out but halted. She saw Leigh-Anne linking arms with a brunette woman. She observed as they got into the taxi and left. Jade felt her phone vibrating again. She started typing furiously. 

Jade: Will you two drunken bitches stop your childish messages I’m sure Taylor and Ariana are sick of it, I know I’m fucking sick of it😡🤬...

Jesy: Oh shut up Jade it’s a bit of fun🙄...

Ariana: 🍿.....

Perrie: Jade does us all a favour and leave the group chat we’re having fun 🥳... I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately but do me another favour and don’t bother coming back to my place tonight... 

Jade: Don’t worry Pez I won’t be🖕...

Jesy: Make sure you’re in a better mood for the auditions tomorrow if not don’t bother turning up, I and Perrie will choose our fourth girl k?😀... look call me if you need to talk k?... 

Jade has left the group...

Ariana: Is Jade OK?🥺...

Perrie: Forget about her, she’s not ruining our fun 🥳...

Jade quietly strolled to the taxi rank. There were enough black cabs, so she took the first vacant one. 

“Alright guv’nor, were to?” the driver asked. 

“Canary Wharf, please,” Jade softly replied. She felt tears trickling down her cheeks, she’d been horrible to her friends, all just because she didn’t know what her sexuality was. She was very afraid as she thought she had no one to confide in. Deep down Jade was thinking she must at least be bi-sexual. She kept replaying the scene of when Leigh-Anne kissed her. She sort of liked it, Leigh-Annes lips were so soft and having a hand on her leg was wonderful. She popped up an LGBT support site. Why the hell didn’t she just tell Leigh-Anne about her sexual situation. Why didn’t she just say Leigh-Anne, I’m uncertain if I prefer women, Leigh-Anne seemed like the type of person who would understand. She wiped away her tears and thought there was no point in crying, she needed to drown her sorrows, the one-litre bottle of Smirnoff vodka at her apartment would more than do the trick. She figured since Jesy had pretty much-said don’t bother showing up for the auditions then she wouldn’t bother. Little Mix started as a trio and they should remain as a trio. They didn’t, well Jade didn’t want another girl joining and leeching off of their successful careers. Jade figured if she didn’t like whoever they chose then she’d give Little Mix a choice. Either get rid of the new girl or she leaves the group and breaks out on her own. While hopefully sorting her sexuality out. 


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning fellow Little Mix singer Jesy Nelson was making her way up to Jades apartment. After the group message, Jesy was worried about Jade. She knew something was wrong with her. It wasn't like her to be ratty constantly. These past few weeks though had been a nightmare when it came to Jade. Jesy got to apartment 12B and thumped on the door. 

“Hey, Jade it's me open up!” Jesy cried through the letterbox. 

Jesy waited for a few seconds before taking out a spare key Perrie gave her. Jesy banged on the door and warned Jade she’d use the key. Jesy gave Jade a few more seconds before letting herself in. Jesy walked in and immediately walked into Jade’s bedroom. She saw various dress, underwear and shoes scattered over the bedroom but no Jade. She walked back out and into the front room. She saw Jade laying on her sofa one leg hanging over the back and the other resting on a pillow. Jesy glared at the topless Jade who was laying in just a set of tracksuit bottoms. She noticed the half bottle of vodka in Jade's hand. 

“Aww, Jade what's caused this?” Jesy softly cried as she covered her mouth. It wasn't like Jade to be like this, Jesy walked into the kitchen and filled a cup of cold water. She came back and dripped some water onto Jade’s face. Jesy let out a little laugh as she saw Jade’s face twitch. Failing to wake Jade up Jesy threw the water over Jade’s face and chest. 

“What the fuck!” Jade cried. Her eyes shot wide awake and she sat up. She saw Jesy glaring at her. “What the hell was that for you crazy bitch!” Jade cried she held her head spinning head. 

Jade raised an eyebrow as she looked at Jesy the self-appointed mum of the group glaring at her. Mostly because Jesy was at times the more mature one out of the trio. Jade covered her wet breasts with her arms. She blushed as she felt her hard nipples against her arms. She watched as Jesy had folded her arms looking angrily. Jesy leaned in to smell her, she reeked of alcohol. 

“You stink of body odour and booze, go get showered and I’ll make you some breakfast,” Jesy demanded. 

“Why?” Jade questioned. “You know what just get out Jesy seriously you had no rights coming here anyway!” Jade protested. Her head was painful and she felt sick as last nights events came back. 

Jesy rolled her eyes. It was like water off a ducks back. Jesy thought just let it slide. “We’ve got the auditions this afternoon Perrie and I want you there. We're more than a group we’re like sisters we’re there for each other,” Jesy replied. This was a big day for the group, they'd had thousands of people audition. Their great management team though narrowed it down to a select few, for Jade, Jesy and Perrie to audition in person. “You either get in that shower or so help me I'll take you in there and wash you myself,” Jesy warned. She wasn’t having any of Jade’s messing about.

Jade knew there was no point in arguing. She removed her arms to expose her breasts. At this point, she couldn't care less about her appearance but was slightly embarrassed about her hard nipples. Jade walked into the bathroom and pulled her trousers and underwear down. She stood looking at herself thinking about last night, about Leigh-Anne. About how she could have woken up in bed with another woman. About how she would have made love with Leigh-Anne. She ran her fingers along her folds noticing that she was starting to get wet thinking about Leigh-Anne. She ran her fingers over her slit again feeling the wetness. She quietly moaned as she shivered. Jade immediately stopped she felt disgusted by it, she should be getting wet thinking about men like her every handsome neighbour professional boxer Eddie O'Connor. Jade felt a lump of vomit in her throat and moved straight to the toilet, she started puking in disgust at her thoughts for thinking about touching herself to a woman. 

Jesy was busy singing a song, she was making it up as she went along. It puzzled her what Jade had been up to. “Oh, you look good,” Jesy smiled. “Best put some makeup on though.” Jesy smiled. 

Jesy saw Jade had put the outfit she’d picked out for her on, a baby blue t-shirt and light blue denim jeans. Jesy had acted all motherly she’d made Jade’s bed and put a wash on for her. Whatever was on the floor was in the wash. She thought that she was just being helpful to her friend. “I made you some breakfast, pancakes, Greek yoghurt as a side and a strong black coffee and two ibuprofen.” Jesy smiled. 

Jade reluctantly smiled back. “But you're a terrible cook at times,” Jade quietly said with a smile. 

“Bitch, I think you'll find that's Perrie who can't cook,” Jesy laughed. She sat next to Jade happy that she was a little like her normal self. Jesy sat watching Jade making sure Jade at all three pancakes and took the ibuprofen. It concerned Jesy as to why Jade had drunk nearly half a bottle of vodka. “Do you want to talk about last night or what's been bugging you lately?” Jesy asked. “Only we need you to be focused for the auditions later,” Jesy warned.

“Nout to talk about, I came home got drunk and slept topless we all do it,” Jade bluntly replied. 

Jesy bit her lip. She didn't want to cause an argument. After the way, Jade replied to the group chat but the way she had slept last night, it was clear she was struggling with something. Jesy shrugged her shoulders, she didn't believe Jade for a second. Yes, Jesy had done some stupid drunk things but she wouldn't down half a bottle of vodka.

“Now if you don't mind, I've made plans for today,” Jade dully replied pushing the plate away and swallowing the tablets. Jade had decided against talking about the previous night's event. While trying to figure out what the hell was going on with her emotions. “Besides, you told me not to bother turning up for the auditions. Now if you don't mind,” Jade replied turning her attention to her phone and gesturing her hand to the door.

Jesy shook her head in utter disbelief. “I said if you were still in a mood then don't come,” Jesy corrected harshly. 

“Oh,” Jade replied. “Well, I'm still not coming.”

Jesy felt so upset and hurt. She made one of her best friends a lovely breakfast, was prepared to listen to her if she wanted to talk. Instead, it was thrown back in her face. Jesy ripped the apron off and stood looking at Jade. “You've changed these past few weeks Jade,” Jesy said trying to keep the upset out of her voice. “You were so sweet at one point now me and Perrie don't even recognise you sometimes you blow hot and cold with us all the time.” Jesy cried tears welling up in her eyes. 

“I do not!” Jade protested at the thoughts of what Jesy had said. 

“See babes you just did then.” Jesy cried. “You joked that I'm a bad cook, then I ask you if you want to talk then you went cold,” Jesy explained. She stood looking at Jade not getting an answer. “If you really can't be bothered turning up to these auditions then maybe Little Mix is better off without you,” Jesy cried. She took off a pink friendship bracelet that Jade had made. “You were there for me when I was trolled and bullied online, you were there when Perrie had that bloody pregnancy scare.” Jesy softly spoke. It was upsetting seeing Jade like this. “I just want to be there for you, you're one of my best friends,” Jesy admitted. She stood watching Jade scroll through her phone. 

“Maybe I have got something on my mind, maybe I don't want to talk about it with the likes of you or Perrie!” Jade screamed. “Just go Jesy, if I feel like turning up later I will.” Jade angrily spat. She turned her attention back to her phone fighting the build-up of tears. 

“Jade?” Jesy sniffled she realised Jade was trying not to cry. 

“You still here?” Jade coldly replied. 

Jesy cried more she placed the bracelet on the table and walked off. She snatched the bottle of vodka up and placed it in her handbag. She assumed she’d be doing Jade and her liver a favour by taking the bottle. Jesy ran to the door and left crying her eyes out. 

Jade picked up the bracelet and looked at it. She felt bad that she’d upset her friend. She remembered Jesy’s words, it was true she had been there for both of them. Jade got up and ran to the door. She ran down the hall but missed Jesy buy milliseconds as the lift door shut. Upset she walked back to her apartment. 

“Mornin Jade,” Eddie O'Connor Jade’s neighbour across the hall smiled. “Your mate ok?” Eddie an East London born and bred boxer smiled. “We ah saw her leave your place.” Eddie asked. 

Jade smiled and said they'd just disagreed on something which caused Jesy to run off. She smiled as she heard Eddie laughing. She saw his girlfriend Priya emerging from the apartment curious as to what was going on. Jade smiled as she found her eyes going straight to Priya’s long tanned legs. 

“Hey my eyes are up here I'm not a lezzer hun!,” Priya barked. She caught Jade looking at her long legs. 

“You do realise that’s extremely offensive!” Jade barked.

“Oh wait, wait you must be an oh what's the term...” Priya smiled clicking her fingers. “A closet rug muncher since you didn't deny it,” Priya laughed. She didn't much care for peoples feelings. 

Jade watched as Priya pushed Eddie back into the apartment and slammed the door shut. Jade walked back into her apartment. Tears trickling down her face as she looked at Leigh-Anne's Oyster card. She sniffled and dried her tears. Jade grabbed her handbag and put a small makeup kit in. She grabbed a black hoodie and pulled the hood up and placed a set of black sunglass on before leaving her apartment. She planned to go over to Rainbows drop the card in then head out shopping. If she felt like turning up to the auditions she would. If she didn't then she wouldn't, besides she didn't think Jesy would be in the best of moods. She saw a text from Perrie. 

Perrie: Sorry about last night hun xxx...

Jade: Forget about it K?...

Perrie: No problem hun... Don't forget about the auditions today 😀...

Jade: Yeh I haven't but told Jesy you and her can sort it I'm not coming end discussion🤐...

Perrie: Wait why? 🤯....

Jade: Pez I said end of discussion...

Jade put her phone on silent. But before she put it in her pocket she fired off a text to Jesy while she waited for the lift. 

Jade: Sorry about before really didn't want or mean to upset you xxx Jade 🥺. 

Jesy: Yeh whatever, well until your next cold spell🙄... 

Jade sighed seeing the response. It was to be expected and Jade understood that. She knew the auditions would last most of the day. So she might show up in the afternoon so as not to give the fans or press any gossip.


	3. Chapter 3

Perrie Edwards sat eating a spicy Bombay bad boy pot noodle. She nodded as Jesy explained the morning's events with Jade. At first Perrie had been unaware to the mornings events with Jade. Jesy had simply said that Jade was running late. It was only after that Perrie found out why it was just the two of them. It really pissed her off after hearing about Jade’s attitude. 

“That girl better sort her shit out,” Perrie furiously replied. “You ok Jes?” Perrie asked knowing how upset Jesy was. 

“I'm fine honestly,” Jesy replied. “If Jade wants to be a drunken brat then let her, if she pulls any stunts that are embarrassing to us as a group then either she goes or I will.” Jesy replied. Watching as Perrie agreed with her. 

The morning had been very productive they'd auditioned some very talented girls. It was awkward being just two of them. Whenever the contestant walked in they immediately asked where Jade was. Luckily Perrie just said Jade was running late for some reason or another. Perrie pulled her phone out and showed Jesy a funny cat video. She figured there was no point in worrying about Jade. They spent the rest of their one-hour lunch break avoiding anything to do with a certain member who couldn't be bothered to turn up. Jesy and Perrie respond to a few Instagram and Twitter messages. Until a door flung open. 

“I thought you weren't coming?” Jesy asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Jesy looked over Perrie's shoulder to see Jade strolling in. While carrying about four or five Primark shopping bags. Jesy couldn’t believe the audacity Jade had just turning up. Jade headed to the back of the room and dropped her shopping bags. She frowned as she saw her bottle of vodka still in Jesy’s handbag. Jade pulled it out and put it into one of her shopping bags. She strolled over while receiving daggers from Perrie and sat in a chair next to Jesy. 

“I didn't realise you were a thief?” Jade coldly shot back referring to her vodka bottle. 

“Guess this must be her cold spell you said about,” Perrie muttered as she saw a red bottle cap in Jade’s jacket pocket. 

Jade bit her lip as she saw Jesy looking at her in disgust. She felt slightly awkward. She had a massive argument with Jesy, so by all rights Jade knew that she shouldn’t be there. “Perrie, could you make yourself scarce only I would like to talk to Jesy in private?” Jade asked. She looked at the ground feeling slightly ashamed over her behaviour. She knew it was wrong taking out her problems was wrong. 

“You've got one bloody cheek so now it's a hot spell!” Perrie cried. “First you upset Jes then you rock up here without a care in the fucking world!” Perrie angrily spat. “But hey I guess you’ve got a bit of drink in you now!” Perrie angrily spoke as she glared at Jade. She felt Jesy resting a hand on her stomach. Out of respect for Jesy, Perrie grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. “I'm warning you if you upset Jesy you'll be getting a fucking black eye!” Pierre furiously warned. “Five minutes then you need to leave me and Jes have this,” Perrie warned. 

Jesy sat looking at Jade. She saw Jade twirling the friendship bracelet in her fingers. Jesy was determined not to speak first. She could see Jade rubbing a tear away with her jumper. Jesy rolled an eye at what she assumed where crocodile tears. 

“I'm sorry,” Jade muttered. More and more tears started to trickle down her face. 

“Oh, Jesus come here,” Jesy muttered. As much as she was annoyed with Jade she couldn't just sit there and watch Jade ball her eyes out like a baby. Jesy immediately got up and hugged Jade tightly. She let Jade rest her face against her chest. “Shhh, shhh, babe what the hells the matter?” Jesy softly asked. “You can blow hot and cold all you like if it helps?” Jesy hinted hoping Jade would open up. She knew something was the bugging Jade.

Jade broke the hug wiping her tears with her jumper sleeve. She wanted to tell Jesy that she might be gay. Yet she was worried about how Jesy would react. Jade was worried she would treated differently and how social media would treat her. Jade knew it was stupid yet she felt like she would be. 

“It's just relationships I'm jealous you and Pez have perfect relationships, and little old me is single,” Jade lied. “It's just I was kissed by someone and I don't know how to process it,” Jade whispered. 

Jesy’s heart melted. For weeks Jade had been blowing hot and cold with them. Now it all clicked into place Jade fancied her someone. Jesy smiled as she thought it was the boxer that lived next door to Jade, or so Jesy thought as she had talked a lot about him. “Did it feel right?” Jesy asked. She watched as Jade shrugged her shoulders. 

“It felt weird but I think I liked it,” Jade admitted. “I'm frightened about admitting my feelings though,” Jade admitted. “What should I do Jes?” Jade pleaded with big wet red eyes. 

“Follow your heart, whatever you choose me and Perrie will be there for you,” Jesy replied. Jesy sighed as Jade rubbed her eyes. “Was he cute?” Jesy winked hoping Jade would talk. She watched as Jade just shrugged her shoulders. “Now you staying for these auditions?” Jesy asked. She smiled as Jade nodded in a yes motion. “Come on let's get your makeup sorted.” Jesy smiled as she dried Jade's puffy red eyes. 

Perrie walked in a few minutes later and smiled at Jesy who mouthed “don't” but glared at Jade. 

“So she’s staying then?” Perrie glared but didn't get a reply. “Right then next person please, come on chop-chop we haven't got all day hey hey!” Pierre dramatically sang causing a little laugh from Jade.

Jade felt a little bit better. She was about to hopefully have a good time with Jesy had hopefully Perrie. Jade’s heart soon sank as she saw her first singer. She slid down in her chair. Jade was sure this was the same woman that had kissed her. 

“Hi, there what's your name, where you from, and can you tell us a bit about yourself?” Jesy smiled. 

“Hi, I'm Leigh-Anne Pinnock, I'm from High Wycombe, originally,” Leigh-Anne excitedly spoke. She stood nervously dressed in a white jumper and black jeans, and naturally curly hair. “I’m a pub singer and I write my own songs. Can I just say it's a huge honour and a privilege to sing in front of you all, especially Jade as she’s given me a lot of courage over the years.” Leigh-Anne excitedly smiled at Jade. 

“Can I ask what kind of courage?” Perrie inquired with a warm smile. 

“Jade gave me the courage to be myself and come out as gay, I was at breaking point because of it. Then Jade gave an interview on the radio about being yourself. She said as long as you’re happy thats all that matters, so thanks Jade,” Leigh-Anne admitted. 

Jesy smiled and thought that was lovely. She turned to Jade only to see her for trying to avoid making eye contact with Leigh-Anne. Jesy who had one hand under the desk gave Jade a discrete punch in the leg, while Perrie talked to Leigh-Anne. The three Little Mix members listened as Leigh-Anne sang Love Me Like You. As Leigh-Anne was singing Jade couldn't help but stay fixated on her. Jade was lost with Leigh-Anne's voice. It was beautiful just like her. 

Leigh-Anne though couldn't take her eyes off Jade. She knew the woman she kissed in the bar last night was indeed Jade Thirlwall. Jade had the same painted nails turquoise and gold as the woman in the bar. Leigh-Anne finished her song and started going a little embarrassed as she received a standing ovation from Jesy and Perrie. Leigh-Anne was a little disappointed that Jade didn't give her a standing ovation. 

“Well, congratulations Leigh-Anne you are now officially in Little Mix,” Jesy smiled as she and Perrie walked over to hug Leigh-Anne. “Jade?” Jesy called. 

Jade swallowed in disbelief. There was no way in hell was Leigh-Anne joining Little Mix. This woman kissed her and had caused Jade to think even more about her sexuality. “Well, we do have others to audition, there might be someone even better,” Jade said with a slight smugness.

“She’s won the audition, Leigh-Anne is the best singer we've heard all day,” Jesy angrily glared at Jade's cold streak. 

“Well, I'm afraid it's two to one Jade,” Perrie smiled in agreement with Jesy. 

Leigh-Anne could feel the tension in the air. It didn’t seem right especially the way Jade was acting. Leigh-Anne bit her lip as she assumed Jade was still annoyed by the kiss in the bar the previous night. Leigh-Anne thought if that was the case then Jade had nothing to worry about. She wasn’t going to intentionally tell anyone. Yet if push came to shove then she would tell about it. Leigh-Anne breathed a sigh of relief. Jesy needed the toilet and Perrie said she’d go with her. Now was the perfect time to talk to Jade. 

“Jade?” Leigh-Anne started but was immediately stopped by Jade. 

“I’m going to say this only once,” Jade warned. “If you say anything about that stupid kiss I will make your life a fucking living hell!” Jade whispered. She glared at Leigh-Anne who backed up slightly. “I like to screw men not women, so what ever stupid crush you have on me stops right now.” Jade warned. She smiled before issuing a finely thinly veiled threat. “Trust me you’ll need to watch your back if you say anything.” Jade warned. She walked off to her shopping bags there was no way she was staying. 

Leigh-Anne laughed at Jade as she walked over. Leigh-Anne wasn’t frightened far from it. She knew exactly what was wrong with Jade. There was no way that Leigh-Anne was going to be pushed around by Jade. It was clear as day to Leigh-Anne that Jade was unsure about her sexuality. 

“You know what Jade?” Leigh-Anne softly spoke. “It’s pretty clear that you’re at least bi-curious so I know what you’re going through.” Leigh-Anne softly spoke. “But I’m warning you Jade, you can only push people so far until they walk away.” Leigh-Anne warned. She assumed that if Jade was like this with her then she must be like that with Jesy and Perrie. 

Jade shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t care what her friends thought of her now. She picked her bags up and walked off, without so much as a goodbye. She turned and looked at Leigh-Anne who was watching her. Jade felt like her heart skip a beat. Leigh-Anne was beautiful and her smile was melting Jades hardness. Jade shook her head and finally walked off. Yet Leigh-Annes words were still ringing in her ears. ‘It’s pretty clear that you’re at least bi-curious.’ Jade thought maybe she was. Yet she felt more alone than ever now. Jade figured she could go home and finish her bottle off.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for the comments and the kudos. I might re write this chapter I’m not entirely sure yet. For now enjoy 

Jade sighed as she got out of Jesy’s car. She was annoyed that she being made to come on this meal. At first Jade accepted but when she found out Leigh-Anne was invited she wanted to avoid going. However Jesy said she was coming and that was that. It did bug Jesy though as Jade had stayed quiet all through the car journey. 

“Hey can I ask you something?” Jesy asked as she saw that Perrie’s car was already there. Jesy watched as Jade shrugged her shoulders. “Well is there any particular reason why you didn’t want Leigh-Anne as our fourth member?” Jesy asked. 

She was genuinely curious as Jade had been doing everything she could to dump Leigh-Anne. Jesy and Perrie had genuinely taken a liking to Leigh-Anne but something was bugging her. Jesy really hoped that she was wrong when she thought about it. 

“I’m just going to come out and say it, is it because she’s black?” Jesy bluntly asked. “Because I’m sure if it was a white girl you wouldn’t be making such a fuss.” Jesy sternly asked. 

“Are you calling me a racist?” Jade asked shocked. “She’s OK why’d you ask anyway?” Jade asked. 

Jade couldn’t believe that one of her best friends was asking if she was a racist. Sure she wasn’t Leigh-Anne’s biggest fan but it certainly wasn’t because of skin colour. Had she never visited the bar or had Leigh-Anne not kissed her, Jade wouldn’t have a problem. She knew Leigh-Anne had a fantastic voice. 

“Forget it, forget I said anything.” Jesy replied. 

Jade shook her head and grabbed Jesy’s arm. She glared at Jesy angrily. “Yes I don’t like her but you are so, so wrong if you think I’m bothered by what colour her skin is!” Jade angrily spoke. She was on the verge of slapping Jesy. Jade knew her anger was building up and if she slapped Jesy then she wasn’t going to be sorry. Jade felt Jesy yanking her arm away. A brisk breeze made them both shiver. 

“If you ever and I mean ever put your hand on me like that then so help me Jade.” Jesy warned. She looked into Jade’s soulless light brown eyes. They weren’t the friendly loving eyes Jade normally had. “Look if you don’t want to join us that’s fine it’s up to you,” Jesy said. 

Jesy shook her head and walked off. They’d arranged to meet Perrie and Leigh-Anne at a local JD Wetherspoons pub. Leigh-Anne had insisted on taking her new band mates to get to know them a bit better. Jesy smiled as she walked in seeing Perrie and Leigh-Anne laughing at a table. She walked over as Perrie handed her a lemonade. Jesy smiled and gave Leigh-Anne and Perrie a hug before siting down. Jesy rolled her eyes as one of her bands song was playing in the background. Jesy was relieved to see that she wasn’t over dressed in ripped jeans and a white body suite. She saw both Leigh-Anne and Perrie were dressed in jeans and a pink and orange jumper. 

“Boy we’re brightly dressed tonight,” Jesy laughed trying to forget about Jade. Jesy looked at one of the drinks and looked at Perrie. 

“It’s juts a coke,” Perrie explained. 

Unknown to Jade, Jesy had asked Perrie not to get Jade any alcoholic drinks earlier in the day. They were both concerned about the about of vodka Jade had started to drink. They made an excuse and Perrie had told Leigh-Anne that Jade was trying to cut down on her drink. Leigh-Anne had smiled politely, though she didn’t believe it. 

“Were is Jade?” Leigh-Anne questioned. She watched Jesy and bit her lip, sensing that it was clearly a touchy subject. “Listen the reason Jade might be annoyed because...” 

“It’s nobody’s business why I’m annoyed Leigh-Anne!” Jade angrily spat. She pulled a stool and sat next to Perrie. 

The four girls sat next to each other. It was another tense atmosphere. Jade glared at Perrie and Jesy but tried avoiding eye contact with Leigh-Anne. Jade began thinking if she looked at Leigh-Anne then she’d get lost in her brown eyes. They looked at the menus before Jesy and Perrie went up to order. As they waited to be served Jesy sighed. 

“I called her a racist,” Jesy sighed. “You know Pez I’m seriously thinking we’d be better as a trio.” Jesy quietly spoke. She was aware that others might be over hearing her. “Just me, you and Leigh-Anne.” Jesy admired. 

“Wait, why’d you call her a racist?” Perrie asked shocked. Perrie had known Jade for a long time and she was the least racist person she knew. 

“I thought Jade was behaving the way she was because,” Jesy began. “Because Leigh-Anne is black.” Jesy whispered in Perrie’s ear. “From her reaction it was clear that this isn’t the case, I just don’t buy this whole jealous of our relationship bullshit,” Jesy spoke relieved. 

Jesy turned to watch Jade and Leigh-Anne they seemed to be getting on OK. Jade was just sat glued to her phone, so it was better than nothing in away. Jesy began to wonder if it was something that she was doing to upset Jade. But then it dawned on her. Jesy remembered that Jade had said she was kissed by someone, Jesy thought she might be overthinking it. However Jesy began to think maybe it was Leigh-Anne that had kissed Jade. To Jesy it made sense but as far as she was aware Jade was straight. She continued to watch Jade while Perrie ordered the meal. 

Jade raised her eyebrow as she heard Leigh-Anne talking. Whatever she had been saying had gone in one ear and out the other. Jade did admit to herself that Leigh-Anne was really attractive. She finally found the guts to look Leigh-Anne in the face. She saw Leigh-Anne smiling at her. 

“Listen Jade I was going to say,” Leigh-Anne bit her lower lip. “I was going to say I know the signs of when a woman is confused.” Leigh-Anne knew that she was treading on thin ice. Yet she was going to push Jade as far as she could. “It’s easy to say Jade, just say I’m bi-curious,” She watched as Jades eyes locked with hers. “Look Jade if you ever want to meet up and experiment we can.” Leigh-Anne suggested. Ordinarily Leigh-Anne wouldn’t dream of doing something like this but she really liked Jade. Ever since that night in the club she couldn’t help but think about her. 

Jade raised an eyebrow as she contemplated what Leigh-Anne had said. “Experiment?” Jade asked. 

“Yeah, I mean that’s how I found out I was gay, I kissed my friend which ultimately lead to more,” Leigh-Anne blushed. “We can kiss and well see where it goes?” Leigh-Anne smiled. 

Jade blushed and shrugged her shoulders. “But I’m not...” She started but stopped as she received a questioning stare. “I’m not like you, well you know.” Jade softly spoke.

“What am I?” Leigh-Anne asked. “It’s just three little letters Jade, say it.” Leigh-Anne ordered. 

“I don’t want to be g-ga-gay or bisexual.” Jade softly spoke. 

Jade looked to see Leigh-Anne taking her hand and softly rubbing it. Jade wanted to pull her hand away but the warm smile she saw on Leigh-Anne’s face didn’t allow it. Jade sat silently thinking about everything. Deep down she knew the truth. She knew she was gay she knew Leigh-Anne was stunning. Jade sighed as she thought about the incident in the bathroom. How she almost touched herself thinking about Leigh-Anne. Jade’s warmth quickly left her as she pulled her hand away when Jesy and Perrie returned. Jesy raised an eyebrow she knew something had been said. She chose not to say anything opting to instead tell Leigh-Anne about one of their previous tours. 

Once they’d finished their meals they sat continuing to chat. Jade excused herself and walked outside. She wanted fresh air and to be away from the girls. She sat on the bonnet of Jesy’s car, watching a group of men. Jade puffed on her cigarette that she got from a passing woman. She was half tempted to go over and chat one or two of the guys up. Maybe bringing them back to her place. At least she could prove to herself she was straight. She got up and started to walk over to them. 

“I lost count of the amount of times I did that,” Leigh-Anne softly spoke. 

“What?” Jade asked. “They’re guys who have cocks between their legs, the type of body part I like,” Jade spoke. 

Leigh-Anne shrugged her shoulders. “The guys I forced myself to sleep with, the amount of men I took. Forcing myself to convince myself I was straight.” Leigh-Anne admitted. “I hated myself I did the exact same thing as your planning on doing.” Leigh-Anne whispered walking slightly closer to Jade. “Please Jade just think about what your going to do,” Leigh-Anne pleaded. Here’s my address if you ever fancy coming over for a chat.” Leigh-Anne spoke holding out a piece of paper. 

Jade looked at the paper and surprisingly took it. “Thanks, but I’m straight,” Jade replied.

Jade walked to the guys and already saw someone she liked. She licked her lips as she looked at all five of them, knowing that she was the centre of attention. She ran her fingers up of of the guys chest. He must have been in his late thirties or early forties. His chiselled arms had various tattoos and a small stubble beard. She was almost certain to take this guy home. 

“So which one of you boys would like to take little old me home?” Jade laughed. She watched as Leigh-Anne glared at her. Jade wrapped her arms around the guy she ran her fingers up and whispered something in his ear. She walked around the other guys but the tattooed had took her fancy. “How about we go back to yours?” Jade winked. 

“Jade what are you doing?” Jesy asked. 

Jade rolled her eyes. She looked angry at Jesy and Leigh-Anne who had obviously told Jesy. 

“Nothing I’m just going to a club with erm?” Jade looked at the guy. 

“Jake,” Jake smiled knowing his look was in. 

“That’s right Jake and me are going clubbing.” Jade smiled. 

Jade turned and looked straight at Leigh-Anne, her eyes pleading with Jade not to go. Jade wanted to prove to herself and to Leigh-Anne that she was straight. She walked off with Jake, Jade made a vow to herself. She vowed to stop drinking and to put Leigh-Anne to the back of her mind. She watched as Jesy walked off yet Leigh-Anne stood watching. Jade looked at Leigh-Anne standing alone, before finally leaving to join Jesy and Perrie.


End file.
